The Amazon Jungle: Giant Fucking Bugs and a Shit-Ton of Mosquitos

By , April 22, 2010 7:47 am

One of my goals for this trip was to see the Amazon Jungle.  I wanted to travel by boat, carry aKid in the Amazon machete, see the wildlife.  I wanted the total National Geographic experience.  Well, we got what we were looking for. 

We booked our tour through our hostel: The Hobo Hideout.  We spoke with the guide about our options and what they offered.  Basically, they can arrange trips ranging from 2 days to two weeks (or longer if you’ve got the money and you’re crazy), staying either in jungle lodges or camping.  We settled on a 5 day trip, starting with the first night in a jungle lodge, and the following 3 nights camping in the jungle.  The cost was about $40 per day, which was negotiated and can vary based on the number of people, and where you want to stay.

Our trip was just the four of us: myself, the drunkette, our guide Kid, and his helper/boat driver/cook.  Kid (pictured above) and his helper know everything about the jungle, it’s fucking incredible.  Every plant, every animal, every superstition.  These guys used to regularly go into the jungle for a month to 6 weeks at a time to hunt and log, just living off the land.  They make the “Man vs. Wild” guy look like a girl scout*.

Our normal day consisted of traveling the river by dugout canoe, maybe doing some fishing for piranha.  In the afternoon we would take a hike, watch some monkeys, spot some parrots, and maybe Jungle Campsite fish some more.  At some point Kid would decide to set up camp, which involved using a machete to clear a small spot in the jungle, stinging up the hammocks (which had full mosquito nets),and starting a fire to cook on.  Most nights we would hunt alligators from the boat.  Unfortunately, we only caught baby alligators, but it was fun and creepy to be cruzing through the jungle at night. 

A couple of nights we also went on a night hike to check out some of the animals and bugs that come out at night.  I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m a little afraid of large, flying bugs, and I’m fucking terrified of giant spiders.  As it turns out, the Amazon Jungle, at night, is my worst nightmare.  Imagine walking along, in the pitch black jungle, you can barely hear other people talk because the bugs are so loud, and then a small bird flies into your back.  Then you realize that you haven’t seen any birds flying around (probably due to the bird-eating spiders).  Then you see what hit you: a giant flying beetle, or maybe a giant flying grasshopper-type bug.  I can’t describe how big the bugs are, just fucking giant.  I think I saw one carry off some nice lady’s baby.  We also saw scorpions, and tarantulas larger than your hand.  Terrifying. 

Overall, I had a great time even though I was traumatized by the big bugs.  In the end its the little bugs that really wear you down: mosquitoes.  For 5 days we were almost constantly swarmed.  We had some 98% deet bug repellant, which worked on the exposed parts, but you have to remember to put it on everything.  They would bite right through your pants and shirt.  My knee went from being covered in tons of small bites, to just being one giant bite.  The drunkette stopped counting bites when she got to 750. 

               

*Note: If your name is Bear, I was talking about someone else.  Please don’t kill me or make me eat bugs.  

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One Response to “The Amazon Jungle: Giant Fucking Bugs and a Shit-Ton of Mosquitos”

  1. Eric Pinola says:

    AWESOME STORY! I have been there and can vouch for the GIANT F*cking BUGS!

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